mandy_writes

I haven’t hold my guitar for almost fifteen years

It just laid there and I know it wanted to shed tears

It has been neglected and taken for granted

But I needed to hold it again for the music to spread

Music has been one of the most important aspects of my life

It showed many delightful things that I have felt

The beauty of the melody that it brings to my soul

It made me run in circles and I was about to crawl

There were different kinds of music that I had listened

From jazz, alternative, hard and rock and ambient

Those mentioned has a spot in me

I listened to them as if it will bring me to eternity

It gave me a moment that shares with the twilight

From a distance I could feel all the light

Enlightening my very existence in this world

Humming melodies and sharing others to hold

Those lyrics and music that were made by artists

It’s hard to be one but striving is the key

Crawling on the floor just to get to the top

But someday, somehow there would be a good start

I’ve been in hibernation for quite some time.  Been busy doing things that I know doesn’t make any effects in my existence.  I hate the fact that people love to toy other lives.  They wanted to make us puppets of their own.  They wanted us to follow every freaking rule which is sometimes annoying on our part.  Every freaking move should be informed to them.  Yeah right!  They are the master of puppets and we, the puppets who follow orders, keep on saying “yes mam!  Yes sir!” even if we are choking to death.   Eerrr… as if we have a choice to disobey what they want.  Those puppeteers who keeps on sucking our life.    I don’t understand why hatred sprung in me at this very moment.  I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs and curse all the people who think of them as high and mighty.  Fu*k them!  Screw all the people who follow what they want.  They are just insects and I know I could crush them instantly in due time.  Every time I go in that place, I always felt like I was in a jungle and I need to survive every minute I am staying in that inferno.  You cannot trust anyone.  All of the people that surround me wanted to be famous.  They are all plastic machines that are being manipulated by their unconscious minds telling them to be rude to others, to become narcissistic individuals and histrionic parasites.  I hate this life.  Not entirely my life, but this period of my life.  I hate everything that is happening right now.  I thought after all the hardships that we’ve been through, after all the help that we extended to them they would appreciate it but like in every story, nothing happens.  The truth always prevails and the truth that I learned, even a single penny can change the attitude of a person.  Money talks.  Money calls.  And really, money is the root of all evil…

I haven’t sleep in days. I have a very big dark circles around my both eyes. I have many zits on my face. I think they are all rejoicing again because
they are all red and really bumpy and sore. I have many flakes coming from hair, dandruff is falling on my shoulders
and it is really, I mean, REALLY yucky and I cannot even look at my
scalp. Before you think anything else
about my hygiene, I am taking a bath everyday, even twice a day. My dandruff is caused of too much stress. I look
like a living zombie with green stuff drooling from my mouth. And… I am getting
married in five days.
It never came to my mind that getting married would be such a time consuming. It would take all of
your energy, your stamina, and even your libido. I should be reviewing for my
prelim exams these days but instead, I am doing over and over my list of
guests. I am carefully revising all the
details. The church, suppliers list,
reception venue’s lay out, bands and other wedding stuff. I need my fuck*ng nicotine! I need my alcohol therapy. Suppliers and hard headed guests really give
me a hard time. My head is like floating
in limbo. My ideas are all scattered
somewhere. I don’t know where to
start. I don’t even know what should I start
and how should I start. I just burst
into tears because I feel I am all alone although my friend and my coordinator
at the same time is really a big help for my nuptials. I realized that there are people who just don’t
understand the real meaning of R.S.V.P. though even me I don’t know what these acronym stands for but I just
know that I should call someone to confirm to them if I would go or not. I don’t know if they just don’t understand it
or they are just stupid. I put ADULT
RECEPTION on my wedding invitation to make sure that there would be no kids on
my special day because I wanted to maintain to solemnity of the occasion. But still, there are morons who still insist
on bringing their kids. Not just one
kid, but their entire family! I am not
rich nor my fiancé. We just allotted a
budget for our wedding because we wanted all of our friends, relatives and
families to share that special moment with us but we don’t want it to look like
a carnival that is full of nonsense spectators. I don’t know why they don’t understand that if we reserved two seats for
one family, it should be for two people not for twenty people. 
It’s

twelve thirty

in the morning. Everyone in our house
are all in deep slumber, dreaming in their never never dreamland. But I
am still awake doing this torturous guest list with endless
revisions. I can’t sleep though my body
is telling me that I should rest. My back
is aching, my head is spinning and every part of my body is really
exhausted. 
I am not complaining. I just wanted to release what I am feeling inside right now. Actually, I am excited… errr…. Terrified,
petrified… my clock is ticking. There are lots of houghts inside my mind. Mixture of disbelief that I am getting
married and I would be a princess for one day. I know I am very lucky to be married with this man. He gave me everything. Love, life, laughter. I couldn’t ask for more and five days from
now… I would be his queen. 

Forever.

My heart is full of hatred. I know this is not a healthy lifestyle but really, I am consumed by
hate…
I hate people who keep on bragging with what they have.
Those people that wanted to tell the whole
world where they went, where they ate their last meal, where they fed their
dog, where they spent the last cent of their salary even if that would meant
scratching their credits card until you don’t see any prints on that plastic
card. But the truth is I also hate myself for hating other people
because I am letting them to consume my time, my strength and my power. They devour my precious time by making me
angry with their hilarious antics. I met a person who was so very vocal of what he has. From his new shoes, his new shirt and even
his new socks, he won’t get tired of telling people what “new things” he
has. Its making me sick and I really
wanted to kick him out of the room, out of my sight and out of my life. Damn, I hate him. He’s making my puke every time I heard him
speak with those over acting speeches of him. He is acting as if people don’t know where he came from. Everyone knows where he did come from and
what life he used to live. Every people
in the vicinity know that he is in debt. He kept on bragging about his credit cards. Well, he doesn’t know what those plastic
cards could do in someone’s life. And I
hope, after some months, when those credit card collectors starting to call and
harassing him, he would realize the agony of spending too much from a credit
card.
I hate people keep on imitating other people. 
From the hair cut to other people’s
hobbies. Crap! Don’t they have other things to do??? They just keep on mimicking other people and
they are the one’s who becomes angry if people notice their actions.
I hate being a peaceful individual but happen to be full of
violent rage. 
I easily get angry over
anything and most of the people who doesn’t know the real me really afraid to
talk or even look at me. I am easily
annoyed over things that should not be cared about. Even if it is politics to pregnant starlet, I
am easily affected by it. 
I hate the way I talk. 
I am frank and couldn’t behave to be quiet. I need to express myself if I have something
to say and sometimes people don’t like it.
I hate the way I treated my friends. 
Even if they back stabbed me, I continue to
let them in my life. I still accept them
without a doubt until they stab me again on my back.
I hate myself for being a compulsive buyer and not spending my money wisely. 
I hate the truth about myself that I easily trust other
people.
I hate myself that I continue to let this person to have a
space in my heart.
I hate myself that he is always there but I always take him for
granted.
I hate that I almost have this perfect life but still, I abhors
it.  And if people read this they would
call me a HATER but I don’t mind. At
least I am not fake and a mimicker…

I had my shares of love with other men. They cried, I cried. We laughed. I thought we jive together but in the end, the reality of nightmares
would come. The life full of fairy tales
would become a never ending river of lies, mistrust and betrayals. People thought they have the most complete
and perfect relationship but the truth, there is no perfect intimacy. You would think you love this person because
he or she is bringing you flowers everyday. Your partner satisfies you in bed, you blindly tell yourself that he or
she is the one for you but you know for a fact that it isn’t. You couldn’t tell yourself over and over that
it is not true. You conceal the truth that
it is never meant to be…
I cried so many times because of this love.  I became the hunter, the hunter and the
hopelessly romantic. I thought this love
could cure all my problems, my worries. But
it isn’t. It made me a different
person. After all the hardships, the
failed relationships, I continue to move on and find another life. Other people are dying to be loved, cared and
being wanted by others. Even for just a
piece of it. They become despair for this…
But I thought… life is too short. So even if a person doesn’t want me I continue
to share my love for them. I smiled even
if I get frown in return. I treat them
right, I forget all their troubles and believe that everything happens for a
reason…
Now i am getting married.   There are no assurance of bed of roses and cloud  of happiness.  All i have is the promise of undying love and respect for one another.  I could live that.  It would be fine.  As long there is trust, our love would survive…

Just one touch on my face and I am in trance
Don’t let go of my hand just give me one chance
I wanted to feel you I wanted to hold you again
The warmth of your embrace takes away this pain
The pain is killing me almost left me without a life
But you walked towards me and give me a new light
New path to wander and another existence to conquer
With you on my side, I could go along further
The softness of you lips touching my forehead
A tear fell on my cheek and you felt it on your head
Tears of joy that fell simultaneously from my eyes
I could not ask for more I can no longer deny
The sweetness of your voice whispering in my ear
I felt the unexplainable sensation empowering my wits
Words of endearment like it would no longer stop
I wish we have our lifetime to complete our tasks
It’s just you and me together we face this cruel world
You would be my strength in this world that lacks hope
I on the other hand would be your guide and wisdom
I would enlightened you in dark and gloomy times

I asked a shrink why I am full of hatred
He told me my heart is some kind of wicked
I am kind at the same time evil
No one wants to mess with me if they want to live further
I am astound, quite impressed with his reply
What he just said was really I wanted to imply
I want people to be scared and have fear of me
That is my defense mechanism to be set free
The truth is that I am much of a loner
I looked happy outside but inside I am a lurker
My friends told me I looked in high spirits
They just don’t know what I feel at this moment
Sometimes I am delusional, crazy and paranoid
I hear some voices inside my thoughts
But I managed to overcome those ghosts
I am still rational and am normal as goat
I sat still, thinking what I should do
Should I start to stop or start to continue?
Should I continue to live in this world?
Or should I just diffuse with my words…

Memories keep on haunting my mind
The past doesn’t want to let go of my own hand
They keep on taunting, screaming and pushing
I wanted to put an axe in my head to have some cracking
People who came in my life gave me entertainment
Some made me laugh while others make me wept
I laughed, I cried, I got crazy and high
But I managed to live in this hospitable life
I went out and see the people around me
Some have smiles on their faces while some are just free
Others have their long faces because of stress
Some have tears that freely flowing on their faces
I sat and continue to watch the ever growing nation
My eyes never get tired of watching without inhibition
Some made glances thinking what I was doing
I didn’t mind while others keep on staring
In my mind there are questions that were spinning
Questions of what, why and others that doesn’t have a meaning
I don’t have the answers to those questions of rage
But I know somehow I felt I was like a deranged

It’s been a while when I last put an entry in this blog. I have been busy and I couldn’t comprehend on
what to do first. My mind is filled with
so many thoughts that I wanted just to vanish in this world. I wanted to do so many things. My canvasses are just collecting dust in my
room as well as my paints. I think they are
getting sticky and hard and maybe after some weeks I will need to buy new
paints again. I wanted to paint something but I just couldn’t think of the
right subject to paint. I wanted to
write but I can’t think of anything good to write.  I felt that I am losing my god given talents
because of so many things that I need to do. The soul of Pablo Picasso is
trying to escape from my body. Emily Dickinson
wanted also to stay away with me. Damn, I am getting depressed. I think I will need
those anti depressants drugs that I am studying. Funny because what we were
discussing in our Psychiatric nursing was about depression and mental illness.  I haven’t been able to be exposed in the
Mental Hospital and I think that if I have the chance I will be also confined
in there because of too much depression and anxiety. I was just kidding. I know how to handle my stressors. I just wanted to express how I feel because I
know people won’t understand why sometimes I am being annoyed over
anything. They won’t care why I wanted
to be alone even just for a minute. I wanted
silence and peace of mind so that I can go back to my artistic mode. I don’t want
to feel this way. Everything is fast
paced and you cannot think or analyze what you are doing. I am just feeling
mentally challenged right now because of the cases that I had been reading
regarding psychosis. I just learned that in some little ways, the way we act
sometimes is a form of psychiatric illness. We just happen to be more mental to comprehend what was going on in ourselves.

My shoebox was filled of constant sadness

It contained the memories of my loneliness

Solitude that would be forever staying with me

I kept it myself and no one has to see

Outside I’m thrilled, laughing at myself

With the tiniest mistake I made that cannot be erased

I always please people not thinking for my own

Until the day came that I had to be thrown

I was kicked outside the doors and their lives

I walked fast passing the shadow of tides

The crescent moon just following my ride

With the stars above illuminating my path

Alone I walked the narrowing road

Darkness enfolds the whole bricked road

Fireflies lit their backs to add light to the gloomy night

I embraced myself and ignored the fright

The cold breeze began to hit my spine

With no doubt I know I need to drink some wine

To fill myself, to wake my right mind

To warm my corpse like body and to tease my tongue

I looked back again and saw the dimming light

From the place where people kicked me from the back

I continued to wander the tapering highway

Although it’s sad I need to go along my own way